When is it ok to give in to someone else?

Excerpted from Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller’s Question and Answer series on Naaleh.com

Question:
Can you explain the proper boundaries of being a vatran (giving in)?

Answer:
Vatranut begins by seeing the other person as an extension of yourself. Parents instinctively do this with their children. You have to learn to bring more people into your picture. Being a shmatta means resentfully giving in when there are other possibilities. I would call this intentional martyrdom, which is what people choose because they enjoy making others feel guilty and beholden. People with low self-esteem tend to give in, because they can’t bring themselves to suffer even momentary disapproval from another person.

There is a huge difference when there are other alternatives and when you are giving in because of unhealthy reason. Martyrdom isn’t good for anyone. The boundaries of vatranut have to do with halachic priorities. A mitzva comes before other obligations. Something only you can do comes before something other people can do. For example, only you as your children’s mother can put your kids to bed in a way that will make them feel loved and cared for. If someone consistently asks you to drive them somewhere at that hour, you have to learn to say no.

A definable mitzva cannot be forfeited at the risk of doing an aveira. For instance, if right before Shabbat a friend requests a favor that might cause you to violate Shabbat, you are obligated to decline. Obviously, real emergencies and saving lives take precedence over almost everything else.

Learn to use your good judgment and common sense. Giving in is laudable, but never at the expense of neglecting your priorities.

What is the Meaning of Tragedies?

Excerpted from Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller’s Question and Answer series on Naaleh.com

Question:

Why do we need horrific tragedies to make us aware that we need to strengthen our achdut? What can we do as individuals or as a community to rectify this?

Answer:

This is a terrible reality. I have seen chesed break down barriers in a tremendous way. The people who do bikur cholim, those who serve lunch at soup kitchens, and the families that open their homes on Shabbat are all people who do not have big barriers separating them from other Jews.  The more chesed you do, the more you identify and empathize with others.

 

Many times people are afraid that associating with people at a lower level of observance can have a negative impact on their own or their children’s spiritual development. There really is no consensus where to draw the limits. However, you can start by refusing to speak evil about any Jew under any circumstances.  You don’t have to become the other person to do this. Another step would be to make an effort to broaden and deepen your perception of others.

 

If you are strong in your religious beliefs and your children sense that you are guiding them and not the other way around, then only good can come of reaching out to others.